PASCAGOULA -- Eighty percent of men and women over age 65 are healthy and able to manage their own lives. In fact, many remain very active.
Most of the 20% who are not healthy are over age 75. About 5% of the elderly are in institutions, nursing homes, or homes for the aged at any given time.
Understanding Loss
If there’s one word that’s common to people who have lived a long life – it’s loss. They’ve said so many goodbyes.
They’ve said goodbye to their youth, possibly their health, and probably their work life. They may also have said goodbye to financial security, home and possessions, loved ones, parents, a spouse, siblings, life long friends.
It’s the accumulation of these losses that can overwhelm an elderly person. You may see anger, sadness, and anxiety about the future: These are all perfectly normal and therapeutic
reactions.
Don’t feel you always have to “put on a happy face.” When we are always cheery and don’t allow very ill or older people to express losses and grief, we deny them an opportunity to talk about what’s real and important to them.
‘Odd’ behavior is often OK. While frustrating to family members, the behaviors listed below are perfectly rational to the elderly person trying to keep some measure of control over his or her life. In short, they’re coping mechanisms.
5 Important things to keep in mind:
1. As people age, they don’t automatically become “sweet little old ladies or men” unless they were “sweet” before.
2. Admit that the person complaining about aching joints today is the same one who complained about other things when he or she was younger.
3. Understand that aging affects people in different ways (i.e., some people won’t consider wearing a hearing aid while others take it in stride).
4. Be considerate. It’s very common for hairdressers, health-care professionals, bankers, etc., to speak “across” the elderly person to the caregiver. When you see this happening, refer the question to your elderly relative. “Mother, when did that pain begin – why don’t you tell the nurse about it.”
5. Trust your relatives to know their own minds. Talk adult-to-adult when speaking to older relatives. Let them make their own choices.
If your relative resists your help, just keep reinforcing that you’ll be there if needed. Have a plan in place for when your help is accepted.
Realize that care giving is not about taking control of others' lives, but helping them through some difficult changes.
Have family "talks" in person or by phone. Include the person who needs care, siblings, and anyone else who would be able to help. Talk about "what ifs.”
Sketch out plans for helping your relative to: 1) stay at home; 2) down-size to a smaller house or apartment; 3) stay with one or more of you (although one person's home is best); and 4) begin to adjust to the idea of a long-term care facility.
- Identify your elderly relative's current support system.
doctor, pharmacist, lawyer, banker, church or temple, friends, neighbors, or in-home helpers. Express your thanks and ask them to call you if something is amiss.
- Check your library and bookstores for the many books on care giving. The library may have a copy of a timeless and helpful article appearing in Modern Maturity (August/September 1987).
Find help for paperwork (e.g., Medicare, Medicaid, insurance forms, etc.). A social worker from your relative's hospital, or someone from AARP or your area agency on aging could offer invaluable help.
Start a 3-ring notebook:
1. Use dividers for health information, housing, service providers, financial/legal supportive friends and neighbors, and to-do lists.
2. Find an inexpensive wall calendar, punch holes, and insert it in your notebook for keeping track of doctor’s appointments, etc.
3. Take note of your relative’s physical condition, emotional situations, how he or she spends time and medications. Take the notes to doctor appointments.
4. List numbers: your relative’s social security, medical ID, insurance plan and emergency numbers.
5. Keep track of insurance policies and medical bills. Take note whether insurance policies cover home health care or prescription drugs.
6. List any adaptive devices. Hearing aids? Bifocals? Cane? Walker? Note phone numbers of your relative’s audiologist (hearing specialist), optometrist, and medical supply company.
If you need more information to assist you when caring for elderly relatives or friends, contact Bettye Wadsworth, Child and Family Development Area extension agent, at 228-769-3047, or bettyew@ext.msstate.edu .
